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The limp pigs and my troubled sleep pattern

August 17, 2008

I’m really not sleeping well at the moment, and haven’t been for the last 10 days or so. A new and troubling pattern has emerged.

Sometime in the middle of the night there will be a pop then a disturbing light appears. It always seems to come from a roughly rectangular source, about eye level, and it bears down on the bed from a height. It isn’t a static light. It has colours, often changing colours, sometimes changing quite fast. And then there are the voices. They can be quite loud, and sounds as from cheering crowds. Occasionally I hear gunshots!

The voices are sometimes very excited. Other times two or three more restrained voices. They always seem to talk about tables, and records and “meddling”. It is freaky.

This phenomenon is clearly disturbing my wife. These weird lights and sounds always seem to coincide with her sitting bolt upright in bed. She is in the dark, as I am, but concentrating intently on the rectangular light and sound source, as if it has taken control of her. It is almost like a ritual. She always seems to be holding something in her hand … like a short stubby stick with little buttons on it. Sometimes she presses the buttons and the sounds and lights change.

In my semi-slumbering state I might say something like “What’s that noise, darling?” and she’ll stop me with “Shoosh! The ladies pursuit sprint final is about to start, and we’re guaranteed both silver and gold …” or something like that. Other times she might squeal with delight “Look how many golds we have now! We’re third behind China and the US, can you believe it? These are the best limp pigs in a century!”

Limp pigs? Why would we have any pigs? We keep a Kosher home.

I generally manage to get back off to sleep but wake up drained and exhausted, as if my night’s sleep had totally failed to reinvigorate me.

I went to see my doctor and described these symptoms. He didn’t seem at all fazed, not even by mention of limp pigs.

“Look,” he said “these symptoms are quite common at this time. Take a sleeping pill at night and you’ll find the symptoms will clear up completely in around another week”.

I couldn’t believe he was taking it so lightly. Another whole week of this? Damn those limp pigs.

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